"I have always felt that
this
time my real discovery of the unselfishness of God began. Up to then,
while
I had rejoiced in the salvation for myself that I had discovered, I had
been secretly beset from time to time with a torturing feeling that,
after all, it was rather a selfish salvation, both for Him and for me.
How could a
good God enjoy Himself in Heaven, knowing all the while that a large
proportion of the beings He had Himself created were doomed to eternal
misery, unless He were a selfish God? I had known that the Bible said
that He was a God
of love, and I had supposed that it must be true, but always there had
been
at the bottom of my mind this secret feeling that His love could not
stand
the test of comparison with the ideal of love in my own heart. I knew
that,
poor and imperfect as my love must be, I could never have enjoyed
myself
in Heaven while one of my children, no matter how naughty, was shut
out;
and that He could and did enjoy Himself, while countless thousands of
His
children were shut out, seemed to me a failure in the most essential
element
of love. So that, grateful as I had felt for the blessings of
forgiveness
and of a sure and certain hope of Heaven for myself, I still had often
felt
as if after all the God I worshiped was a selfish God, who cared more
for
His own comfort and His own glory than He did for the poor suffering
beings
He had made. But now I began to see that the wideness of God's love was
far
beyond any wideness that I could even conceive of; and that if I took
all
the unselfish love of every mother's heart the whole world over, and
piled
it all together, and multiplied it by millions, I would still only get
a
faint idea of the unselfishness of God.
I had always thought of Him as loving, but now
I found out that He was far more than loving:--He was love, love
embodied and ingrained. I saw that He was, as it were, made out of
love, so that in the very nature of things He could not do anything
contrary to love. Not that
He would not do it, but actually could not, because love was the very
essence
of His being. I saw that the law of love, like the law of gravitation,
is
inevitable in its working, and that God is, if I may say so, under this
law,
and cannot help obeying it. I saw that, because He is love, He simply,
in
the very nature of things, must be loving. It is not a matter of choice
with
Him, but a matter of necessity. And I saw that, once this fact was
known, to trust in this God of love would be as natural as to breathe.
Every doubting question was answered, and I was filled with an
illimitable delight in the thought of having been created by such an
unselfish God. I saw that as a
matter of course the fact of His being our creator was an absolute
guarantee
that He would care for us, and would make all things work together for
our
good. The duties of ownership blazed with tremendous illumination. Not
its
rights, of which I had hitherto chiefly thought, but its duties, the
things
ownership necessarily demands of its owner. I saw that just as in a
civilized
community people are compelled by public opinion, or if necessary by
the
law, to take proper care of things that belong to them, so our Creator,
by
the laws of common morality, is compelled to take proper care of the
creatures
He has created, and must be held responsible for their well being.
It was all so glorious that it often seemed
too good to be true, that we actually did belong to such an unselfish
God; that many a time, when a fresh insight into His goodness would
come over me,
I would be obliged to get my Bible and open it at the texts that
declared
we really were His property, and put my fingers on them, and read them
aloud, just to reassure myself that they did actually say, without any
limitations, that He was my owner.
The expression "Remember thy Creator" assumed
a totally different aspect to me. I had always thought of it as a kind
of
threat held over us into good behavior; but now it seemed full of the
most
delightful warrant and assurance that all was well for the creatures
this
unselfish Creator had created. I saw that God was good, not religiously
good
only, but really and actually good in the truest sense of the word, and
that
a good Creator was of course bound to make every thing go right with
the
creatures He had created. And the fact that nothing was hid from His
eyes,
which had once been so alarming, now began to seem the most delightful
fact
in the whole universe, because it made it certain that He knew all
about
us, and would therefore be able to do His best for us.
My own feelings as a mother, which had
heretofore seemed to war with what I had believed of God, now came into
perfect harmony.
My children have been the joy of my life. I
cannot imagine more exquisite bliss than comes to one sometimes in the
possession and companionship of a child. To me there have been moments,
when my arms have been around my children, that have seemed more like
what the bliss
of Heaven must be than any other thing I can conceive of; and I think
this
feeling has taught me more of what are God's feelings towards His
children
than anything else in the universe. If I, a human being with limited
capacity,
can find such joy in my children, what must God, with His infinite
heart
of love, feel towards His; In fact most of my ideas of the love and
goodness
of God have come from my own experience as a mother, because I could
not
conceive that God would create me with a greater capacity for
unselfishness
and self sacrifice than He possessed Himself; and since this discovery
of
the mother heart of God I have always been able to answer every doubt
that
may have arisen in my mind, as to the extent and quality of the love of
God,
by simply looking at my own feelings as a mother. I cannot understand
the
possibility of any selfishness on the mother's part coming into her
relation
to her children. It seems to me a mother, who can be selfish and think
of
her own comfort and her own welfare before that of her children, is an
abnormal
mother, who fails in the very highest duty of motherhood.
If one looks at what we call the lower
creation, one will see that every animal teaches us this supreme duty
of self-sacrifice on the part of the mother.
The tiger mother will suffer herself to be
killed rather than that that harm should come to her offspring. She
will starve
that they may have food. Could our God do less? I speak of
self-sacrifice,
but I cannot truthfully call it sacrifice. Any true mother, who knows
the
reality of motherhood, would scorn the idea that the care of her
children
involved a sacrifice, in the ordinary sense of sacrifice, on her part.
It
may involve trouble or weariness but not what I could call sacrifice.
The
sacrifice would be if she were not allowed to care for them, not if she
were.
I know no more fallacious line of argument than that which is founded
upon
the idea that children ought to be grateful for the self-sacrifice on
the
mother's part. Her claim to love and consideration on the part of her
children
depends altogether to my mind upon how true a mother she has been in
the
sense I describe; and I believe that thousands of disappointed mothers,
who
have not received the gratitude and consideration they would like, have
only
themselves to thank, because they have demanded it, instead of having
won
it. All this has taught me to understand God's feelings towards us that
what
we call self-sacrifice on the part of Christ was simply the absolutely
necessary
expression of His love for us; and that the amazing thing would have
been,
not that He did it, but if He had not done it.
Since I had this insight of the mother-heart
of God, I have never been able to feel the slightest anxiety for any of
His
children; and by His children I do not mean only the good ones, but I
mean
the bad ones just as much. Are we not, distinctly told that the Good
Shepherd
leaves the ninety and nine good sheep in order to find the one naughty
sheep
that is lost, and that He looks for it until He finds it? And, viewed
in
the light of motherhood, has not that word "lost" a most comforting
meaning,
since nothing can be a lost thing that is not owned by somebody, and to
be
lost means only, not yet found. The lost gold piece is still gold, with
the
image of the King upon it; the lost sheep is a sheep still, not a wolf;
the
lost son has still the blood of his father in his veins. And if a
person
is a lost sinner, it only means that he is owned by the Good Shepherd,
and
that the Good Shepherd is bound, by the very duties of His ownership,
to
go after that which is lost, and to go until He finds it. The word
"lst"
therefore, to my mind, contains in itself the strongest proof of
ownership
that one could desire. Who can imagine a mother with a lost child ever
having
a ray of comfort until the child is found, and who can imagine a God
being
more indifferent than a mother? In fact I believe that all the problems
of
the spiritual life, which are often so distressing to conscientious
souls,
would vanish like mist before the rising sun, if the full blaze of the
mother-heart of God should be turned upon them.
Moreover I saw that, since it was declared we
were created in the image of God, we were bound to believe that the
best
in us, and not the worst was the reflection of that image, and that
therefore
things which to us in our best moments looked selfish, or unkind, or
unjust,
or self-seeking, must never, no matter what the "seeming", be
attributed
to God. If He is unselfish, He must be at least as unselfish as the
highest
human ideal; and of course we know He must be infinitely more.
All the texts in the Bible revealing God's
goodness shone with a new meaning, and I saw that His goodness was not
merely a patronizing benevolence, but was a genuine bona fide goodness
that included unselfishness and consideration, and above all justice,
which last has always seemed -to me one of the very first elements of
goodness. No unjust person could ever, in my opinion, lay the slightest
claim to being good, let their outward
seemings of goodness be as deceiving as they may. I had in short such
an
overwhelming revelation of the intrinsic and inherent goodness and
unselfishness
of God that nothing since has been able to shake it. A great many
things
in His dealings have been and still are mysteries to me; but I am sure
they
could all be explained on the basis of love and justice, if only I
could
look deep enough; and that some day I shall see, what now I firmly
believe,
that His loving kindness is really and truly over all His works.
I do not mean to say that all this
acquaintance with God came to me at once; but 1 do mean to say that
when I had that revelation on the tram-car in Philadelphia that day, a
light on the character of God began to shine, that has never since
waned in the slightest, and has only grown brighter and brighter with
every year of my life. It is enough for
me to say "God is" and I have the answer to every possible difficulty.
The amazing thing is that I, in company with
so many other Christians, had failed, with the open Bible before me, to
see
this; and that all sorts of travesties on the character of God, and of
libels
upon His goodness, can find apparently a welcome entrance into
Christian
hearts. To me such things became at this time well-nigh intolerable. I
could
listen patiently, and even with interest, to any sort of strange or
heretical
ideas that did not touch the character of God, but the one thing I
could
not endure, and could not sit still to listen to, was anything that
contained,
even under a show of great piety, the least hint of a libel on His love
or
His selfishness.
I shall never forget a memorable occasion in
our own house, when a celebrated Preacher from Boston, was visiting us.
The
conversation at the breakfast table turned on the subject of God's
love,
and this Preacher declared that you must not count on it too much, as
there
were limits as to what His love could endure, just as there were limits
to
a mother's love; and he went on to declare that there were certain sins
a daughter could commit which the mother never could forgive, and which
would forever close her heart and her home against her child, and he
asserted
that it was just so with God, and that he considered it was a
grandmotherly
religion that taught anything different.
I have no doubt his object was to combat my
views on Restitution, although we were not talking on that subject; but
he evidently wanted to convince me that God was not quite so foolishly
loving as I thought. It was more than I could endure to hear both
mothers, and the God who made mothers, so maligned, and, although the
speaker was my guest, I broke forth into a perfect passion of
indignation, and, declaring that I would not sit at the table with any
one who held such libelous ideas of God, I burst into tears and left
the room, and entirely declined to see my guest again. I
do not say this was right or courteous, or at all Christ-like, but it
only
illustrates how overwhelmingly I felt on the subject. The honor of God
seemed
to me of more importance than any ordinary rules of politeness. But I
see
now that I might have vindicated that honor in an equally effectual but
more Christ-like way.
Still, to this day, the one thing which I find
it very hard to tolerate, is any thing which libels the character of
God. Nothing else matters like this, for all our salvation depends
wholly and entirely
upon what God is; and unless He can be proved to be absolutely good,
and
absolutely unselfish, and absolutely just, our case is absolutely
hopeless. God is our salvation, and, if He fails us, in even the
slightest degree,
we have nowhere else to turn."
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